• SOME Micheal O Muircheartaigh masterpieces:
  
  "In the first half they played with the wind. In the second half they played with the ball."
  
  "... and Brian Dooher is down injured. And while he is, I'll tell ye
  a little story. I was in Times' Square in New York last week, and I
  was missing the Championship back home. So I approached a newsstand
  and I said 'I suppose ye wouldn't have the Kerryman (Paper) would ye?'
  To which, the Egyptian behind the counter turned to me and he said
  'do you want the North Kerry edition or the South Kerry edition?'...
  he had both...so I bought both. And Dooher is back on his feet..."
  
  "Anthony Lynch the Cork corner back will be the last person to let
  you down - his people are undertakers."
  
  "I saw a few Sligo people at Mass in Gardiner street this morning
  and the omens seem to be good for them, the priest was wearing the
  same colours as the Sligo jersey! 40 yards out on the Hogan stand
  side of the field Ciaran Whelan goes on a rampage, it's a goal. So
  much for religion."
  
  Colin Corkery on the 45 lets go with the right boot. Its over the
  bar.. This man shouldn't be playing football. He's made an almost
  Lazarus-like recovery from a heart condition. Lazarus was a great man
  but he couldn't kick points like Colin Corkery."
  
  "1-5 to 0-8. Well from Lapland to the Antarctic, that's level scores
  in any man's language."
  
  "Pat Fox has it on his hurl and is motoring well now... but here
  comes Joe Rabbitte hot on his tail ...... I've seen it all now, a
  Rabbitte chasing a Fox around Croke Park!"
  
  "I see John O Donnell dispensing water on the sideline. Tipperary,
  sponsored by a water company. Cork sponsored by a tae company. I
  wonder will they meet later for afternoon tae."
  
  "Teddy looks at the ball, the ball looks at Teddy"
  
  "Danny "The Yank" Culloty. He came down from the mountains and hasn't
  he done well."
  
  "He grabs the sliotar, he's on the 50...... he's on the 40....
  he's on the 30.......... he's on the ground"
  
  "He kicks the ball lan san aer, could've been a goal, could've been a
  point...... it went wide."
  
  "Stephen Byrne with the puck out for Offaly....Stephen, one of
  12....all but one are here to-day, the one that's missing is Mary,
  she's at home minding the house..... and the ball is dropping i lar
  na bpairce...."
  
  "Pat Fox out to the forty and grabs the sliothar, I bought a dog
  from his father last week. Fox turns and sprints for goal, the dog
  ran a great race last Tuesday in Limerick. Fox to the 21 fires a shot,
  it goes to the left and wide..... and the dog lost as well."
  
  "Sean Og o Hailpin.... his father's from Fermanagh, his mother's
  from Fiji, neither a hurling stronghold."
  
  
  "Teddy McCarthy to John McCarthy, no relation, John McCarthy back to
  Teddy McCarthy, still no relation. "
  

MORE PRICELESS QUOTES:

• We've won one All-Ireland in a row" -- Armagh Fan in 2002.
  
• The toughest match I ever attended was between Inniskeen and Donaghmoyne. The exchanges from the beginning were fierce with players being felled all over the place. It was 10 minutes before any of the players noticed the referee had not thrown the ball in - Patrick Kavanagh.
  
• I'm not giving away any secrets like that to Tipperary. If I had my way, I wouldn't even tell them the time of the throw-in" -- Ger Loughnane.
  
• Whenever a team loses, there's always a row at half time but when they win, it's an inspirational speech" -- John O'Mahony.
  
• There are 2 things in Ireland that would drive you to drink. GAA referees would drive you to drink, and the price of drink would drive you to drink" -- Sligo Fan after 2002 Connaught final.
  
• Roscommon fan after the controversial 1980 All-Ireland final:
  - Fan: Hi ref, how's your dog?
  - Ref: What do you mean? I don't have a dog.
  - Fan: That's strange. You're the first blind man I've ever met that doesn't have a guide dog!
  
• I used to think it was great being a wee nippy corner forward, but its better now being a big, fat one. -- Ollie Murphy
  
• He'll regret this to his dying day, if he lives that long. -- Dublin fan after Charlie Redmond missed a penalty in the 1994 All-Ireland final.
  
• Now listen lads, I'm not happy with our tackling. We're hurting them but they keep getting up. -- John B.Keane ventures into coaching
  
• Mick Holden (seriously late for training on a Saturday morning):
  - I was coming across town and I was stopped by the guards. They said I was a match for one of the guys that pulled the big bank robbery yesterday.
  - Kevin Heffernan: Really?
  - Holden: No, but it sounds so much better than saying I slept it out.
  
• He wouldn't see a foul in a henhouse. -- Frustrated Sligo fan's judgement of the ref after the 2002 Connacht final.
  
• The first half was even, the second half was even worse. -- Pat Spillane reflects on an Ulster Championship clash.
  
• Meath players like to get their retaliation in first. -- Cork fan in 1988.
  
• Meath make football a colourful game - you get all black and blue. -- Another Cork fan.
  
• That's the first time I've seen anybody limping off with a sore finger! -- Armagh's Gene Morgan to 'injured' teammate Pat Campbell.
  
• We're taking you off but we're not bothering to put on a sub. Just having you off will improve our situation. -- Manager to a club player in Derry.
  
• In terms of the Richter scale, this defeat was a force 8 gale. -- Meath fan after the 2001 All-Ireland final.
  I'm going to tape the Angelus over this. -- Meath fan after recording the same match.
  
• He's as useless as a back pocket in a vest. -- Kerry fan on Colin Corkery.
  
• Colin Corkery is deceptive. He's slower than he looks. -- Kerry fan
  
• The rules of Meath football are basically simple: if it moves, kick it; if it doesn't move, kick it until it does. -- Tyrone fan after a controversial All-Ireland semi-final.
  
• A Kerry footballer with an inferiority complex is one who thinks he's just as good as everybody else. -- John B. Keane
  
• Life isn't all beer and football: some of us haven't touched a football in months. -- A Kerry player during the league in the early 1980's

• A beauty from the Midlands Radio 103 commentary on the 2007 Laois/Derry Football Qualifier in Navan. "The referee is showing a serious lack of inconsistency"
  

NOW SORT THESE ONES OUT :

DJ Carey was caught for speeding on his way to Croke
Park today. "I'll do anything for 3 points", he said when questioned

Q. Why do Corkfans whistle whilst sitting on the
toilet?

A. So they know which end to wipe!

Q. Did you hear the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
A. They had pictures of Kerry players on them and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Q. You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and a Limerick fan.You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
A. Shoot the Limerick fan - twice.

Q. What does the Kildare football team and Mike Tyson have in
common?

A. They're both out after round one.